Last night was a struggle. I’ve had a lot going on the back end of things, car wrecks, insurance bills, etc. I read through my posts this morning and am so happy to see that I am starting to point my feet in the right direction. I know where I am going, I am building my map, and my coping mechanisms are still (somehow) working.

But there is a part I haven’t been fully honest about. It’s the loneliness. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to seem like I’m struggling, but I am. I am working on all these things, and making all this progress, but none that fully drowns out the fact that my partner of 2 years walked away, and I still don’t really know why.

I obviously know the mistakes I have made, which you can read through on this blog, but none of that even makes sense in the context of our last day together. She was “I love you so much”, and then she was gone. She is now going out of her way to block me on platforms neither of us use (I had to review TikTok store policies for drop shipping and noticed she blocked me on there).

She’s producing songs on YouTube about accepting her freedom, finally finding her worth, and moving forward with life. I mean, we are both doing the same, her with that, and me with this and starting my own business.

But there’s a large part of me that questions if she even cared. Like if she really did, or if it was just a charade. I have people telling me she was just there for the money (I stopped sending her weekly payments just under two weeks before she left). Others tell me she is just trying to “get to me”. None of that makes sense with who I knew her to be as a person.

None of this makes sense at all, and I am starting to wonder if this loving compassionate image of her that I had in my head, maybe didn’t match up with the reality. She showed no emotion the last time she saw me. It was like she didn’t even know who I was. No smile, no tears, no anything. Completely blank.

I know a lot of these posts have been dedicated to learning how to fix my mistakes (which I made many), but I’m starting to wonder if I wasn’t the only one not being truthful with myself. I don’t think it matters what background we are from, we can all agree that if you loved someone you can’t just turn off your love for them in seconds. It doesn’t work like that unless you have some VERY serious mental health issues.

Does it suck that I’m the one sitting here posting about my struggles with this while she’s flying high and hanging with her new friends? Yeah. But it also seems like maybe I loved her a bit more than she actually loved me. Maybe I’m weak or whatever you want to say, but I cared enough to at least act hurt. She didn’t seem to care enough to even bat an eyelash and has just moved on. Still, to this day, with no actual explanation of what happened.

I don’t think she actually cared about me. I think people tried to warn me so many times, but I believed in her. Can I be mad at her for that? No. If someone is going to present you with a false image, they have their reasons. But I took the bait. I made the mistake of believing someone actually loved me “for just me”. That clearly doesn’t seem to be the case anymore.

And despite whatever legacy I leave, that will always sting. My entire life, building everything, leaving everything, trying to make a difference, no one saw me for just me. I’m a human too guys. I deserve love just like everyone else. I just wish others felt the same.

It’s going to be a beautiful future. It’s going to be a wonderful legacy. But I’m still going to be on that deathbed questioning if I was ever enough, and why just “Noah” was never enough to love. I know my flaws, and I know the mistakes I have made. But all of that still doesn’t explain any of this. The only seemingly logical explanation was that none of it was ever real. I don’t think she actually loved me. I don’t know why she stayed, but it couldn’t have been for me.

And emotional person couldn’t have said “You need to go” with no emotion whatsoever if they actually did love you. And that hurts. I really did think she loved me. Maybe I just hoped more than I thought. I’m glad she’s happy and thriving. I just wish I could move on as quickly. I think gaining the perspective that all of those “memories” really weren’t what I thought they were going to help speed up the process of letting go.

It helps when you face the fact that the “love” in those memories was more likely a figment of your own imagination pasted onto a real-world scenario, but it doesn’t make it any less painful. But the harsher reality? If that is true, and she really didn’t care, I did this to myself.