I was going to write a post when I got home tonight, but I needed to just stop and process something, so I pulled over at the nearest library. I cried today. Quite a bit actually. I was okay this morning, but as the day went on I had something that kept weighing on my mind.
Obviously, I do have to work so I needed to write it out and externalize it so I could free up a little bit of my brain to focus on other things.
Ironically, as I was writing that last sentence, I had that flash of deja vu, the one that came from the recurring dreams as a child of places I have never seen before. The one that gave me dreams as a child of my coping field 11 miles from the town I live in that I had never seen before, as I had never been to the state I live in before in my life.
I sort of interpret those flashes of deja vu as I am doing something right, and I am on a path that I have been in before or is taking me somewhere in the right direction.
But, regardless of that, I still need to process what I am feeling so I can finish out my work for today. I was crying because I was thinking about my future, and what that looks like now. I was thinking about the things I am currently working on and working through. How I am set course on and making progress on the path to financial freedom, and achieving my dream of generational wealth.
And then I thought about everything that has happened and realized that the word is just wealth. There will be no generations after me. That dream is gone now. You as the reader might say, “Oh, this is temporary, you’ll find someone eventually.”
However, my being single is a choice, not something out of my control. Why stay single if you hate it so much you might ask. It’s not that I hate being single. I actually like the work I have been doing on myself, and I really like the progress I have made in actually being able to manage my emotions and take the wheel from spirals. I like that I am now in the driver’s seat and actually heading towards breaking the generational chains that made those men with bipolar I saw as a kid something I never wanted to be.
However, my time is running thin. I am 24 years old and very quickly coming up on 25. The dating pool has changed for me. A lot of the women my age that are seeking relationships are seeking a long-term relationship. Committing for life is a foreign concept for them. Several of them joke that they are seeking their “future ex-husband”.
If I want to find someone who is actually in line with my goals and seeking the same things I am, I have to look at a dating pool that is much older than me, often in their mid-thirties. The issue there is that the years and the memories that I wanted to make are long gone there and often spent with someone else.
Their kids are almost grown, and they more often than not don’t want more children. They have lived and made all the fun memories of their 20’s and frequently are looking for someone stable to help take care of their children and manage a household. That might sound judgmental and honestly, it kind of is.
I want someone I can grow with, someone who I can make memories with. I want someone who will want children. I want someone who, when I leave this world, will hold my hand while we are surrounded by our children.
Leaving a legacy has always been extremely important to me. The main reason why I seek wealth, and building a business, is to leave a legacy. I want to leave these things to my family. I want them to be there when I pass and be able to continue on and help people without having to worry about where their next meal is coming from like I did.
You might say, well you can leave it to your parents or siblings. Unfortunately, both of my parents’ health is declining. By the time I pass they will no longer be here. And my brother, while I love him to death, does not have the same desire to help others as I do. He is much more inwardly focused.
And my former partner does not want any contact with me, understandably so. So, I am left with trying to figure out how to move forward when such a major part of my identity is now gone. It wasn’t a part of my identity that was tied to a person. rather it was tied to a dream. A dream that I have had since I was a child. A dream of leaving the world a better place than I found it. A dream of leaving a legacy for people I love.
This dream is now gone. Well, it’s not gone. The dream is there, but the people who I leave the legacy to are not. It would be so meaningful to create a scholarship fund when I pass. I would love to help kids like me in situations like I was be able to further themselves through education. And it would be meaningful to help solve issues like homelessness in my town. And help the homeless guy who has become my friend over the past year. A good guy in an unfortunate situation.
However, it still saddens me quite a bit that I won’t have a family. Don’t get me wrong, I will be extremely happy to help all of those people through the methods I mentioned. It is so meaningful to be able to do that.
I won’t regret any of that. But I don’t know how to cope with the fact that I won’t have a family. That was honestly so important to me. I wanted the joy of watching my children play. The joy of making memories while dancing and cooking with my wife. The joy of going and exploring with my wife and finding new places we love to visit.
Sure, I could just find anyone. Just go out with the first match on Tinder. But that’s not what I want. I want someone who is emotionally mature, has meaningful goals, wants to build a family. Someone to build memories with. Someone to build dreams with. And someone to leave a legacy for when I am gone.
But I choose to be single because the world has changed. Those values of being together for life, building emotional intimacy before physical intimacy, wanting a family, wanting memories together, and loving me for just me and not the inheritance… Those values are so hard to find that trying to re-enter the dating scene is just going to be a massive waste of my time.
I won’t be able to build my goals as effectively as I want, and I will have to spend far more time than I have trying to find someone who is looking for the same things I am. Strickly because those values don’t really exist anymore.
So, I love that I am making progress controlling my emotions. I love that I am building a future. I love that I no longer have to worry about bills being paid or if I will be able to eat that night.
I just don’t know how to process the loss of a dream I have had since I was a child. A dream with was lost due to my own actions. A dream that is gone permanently, honestly. I am even sitting here right now, not lashing out, not throwing a tantrum, not being irritable and being rude. I am sitting here still wondering if those 4 people I went to Kansas for are okay. If they were able to get their documentation. If their kiddo is doing okay.
I’m wondering if my roommate has taken care of her blood sugar today. I’m worried about her anxiety and her not eating because of it.
And I am sad. My emotions have been mostly on the negative side recently, but my coping skills have reduced the intensity. Even now, this sadness is extremely intense, but I’m still sitting here with the wheel in my hands in control of my emotions.
I don’t really know what to do about this. This core dream being gone, with no obvious chance of it coming back. I don’t know how to process this yet. I am okay with being alone, in fact it actually helps me process things better to take time to myself.
I just haven’t figured out how to handle such a core part of my identity being gone. I don’t have the time or the energy to find someone else. It’s really not worth my time to spend so much of it talking to people, learning that they don’t have the same goals, having to figure out how to let them down gently, getting back on the apps and swiping endlessly until I find someone who seems to want the same things, only to wash, rinse, and repeat.
I know that I will find tools to cope, but I also know that there will be an empty spot where that dream used to be. And I will continue to mourn the loss of it. I guess we all have to give up on one dream or another at some point. I just wish it wasn’t this one. I’m still sad, but I do have to go back to work. And writing this out and posting it into the void has helped quite a bit.
I just don’t know what to do with this part of me gone. Especially since it was my fault. And I don’t know how to handle it seemingly being gone permanently. I really just don’t know. I guess I just keep moving forward and learn from the lesson and accept the consequences. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I recognized it before it was too late.
The elevator dropped that dream at the previous floor, and now I am at the top alone. I guess I just do my best to make the last floor cozy, because now I am here, and the elevator is gone.