Introduction

I recently rebuilt the site and published a few posts regarding the breakup I recently went through. Most of those posts were written with the mentality that I was a victim and/or that my ex was being coerced into a decision.

However, I went back this week and reviewed our texts over the past few months, and there seemed to be an overarching theme that I had missed. My partner had repeatedly expressed feeling unheard, that I would frequently do what I thought was best, and ignore what she asked me to do.

These conversations were frequently in regard to boundaries that were set and not respected. Which, at the time, I kept promising to respect in the future but never did. I don’t think I really realized how much weight I was actually contributing to the weight on my partner’s shoulders.

I thought of myself as the person she trusted, and subsequently thought she told me everything. But in reality, I was the person she used to trust but now felt that I wouldn’t listen if she tried to open up. Which meant, in turn, that she did not tell me how she was feeling often.

Realizing the Reality That I Was Pretending Wasn’t Real

I frequently struggled with feelings that her parents viewed me inaccurately or had a mental picture of who I was that wasn’t accurate. While some of that may have been the case, there was a lot of detail that I was missing.

I frequently pushed issues that I was asked to drop. And pushed them to the point she was in tears. I think I mistook what her parents saw as a lack of emotional awareness and maturity, as something personal. In retrospect, I don’t think it was.

The reality was that there were several times that I was extremely sweet and loving, and there were other times where I was cold and dismissive. And the switch between the two was frequently comparable to the whiplash of a car wreck.

Given the description of some of the trauma that has been described to me, I can see why her parents felt that way. The were protecting their daughter via a fear response. One that I thought was inaccurate but had basis in reality.

I Lack Emotional Maturity. Where (Or How) Do I Find It?

It is difficult to tell when I am on my own that I lack the emotional maturity to interact with other people. When I’m on my own, I have no one to answer to and no one to challenge my decisions. When I am around others, even so far as a relationship with another person, things change.

I don’t get to make decisions for just me, and all of the conversations I have in my head cannot, and should not, be said out loud. Having a “filter” is important, and necessary to be a good friend/partner. Sometimes something can be said, but not as harshly as I say it.

If I want to stop driving people away, I have to figure out a roadmap on how to handle my emotions. I have been trying to do this since I was a teenager but have yet to figure out how. Everyone I know who has the mental conditions I struggle with have no stable job, relationships, or life in general.

I don’t want to be like that, but my life is quickly becoming that. So, I guess, in a way writing these posts will be my way of figuring it out? I don’t have any clue how to do this, but I don’t want to keep driving away the people who care about me.

Conclusion

So, I guess this is the first post of many. I don’t know how long this will take, or honestly, if I will even succeed. But I can’t keep doing the same thing if I want to be happy. If I do, everyone I care about will keep walking away.

I want people to walk beside me, not away from me. So, somehow, I have to figure this out. Unfortunately, it took me losing the one person who actually cared about me to decide to change.