It’s been a rough week. There’s been a lot of emotions, a lot of tears, and a lot of questions that will never have answers. My girlfriend of two years left me last week. The situation was complex, very sudden, and extremely painful.
I don’t think either party is necessarily at fault. There were a lot of things that we both did wrong and a lot of things that we both did right. I don’t blame her for anything. I just wish I knew the why, and what really went on behind closed doors, not just what I was told.
There are so many things that don’t make sense, and a lot that I just don’t understand. But now that the emotions and pain are starting to fade, I am slowly realizing that is something that isn’t for me to understand.
My first reaction was shock, then anger, then grief, and then a let me get over this by finding someone else. But I couldn’t do it. Memories are too fresh, and honestly? It feels cheap to just pretend like that bond wasn’t there by jumping into another relationship.
Because there was a bond. An insanely good one, one that comes around once in a lifetime. Why disrespect that by pretending that another person is going to fill the void that was left. The void is there for a reason. If you didn’t have something special with that person, it wouldn’t be painful that they aren’t there anymore.
You wouldn’t wake up every morning, excited to get a text from them only to realize that is a text that is never going to come through.
I don’t really know how to process this, and I’ve been told that the process I am going through is very similar to the process of a death of a family member.
I thought I was going to abandon everything and go travel the country, and then I thought I would get a motorcycle and just live life, and now I’m starting to move into a new phase where I’m starting to look at the broken pieces, and trying to piece together what is left.
Looking at what I did wrong and accepting that I had a role to play in this. A role that remained subtle and unobserved to me until she was gone.
It is difficult trying to navigate everything. I moved states to be with her, so unfortunately everything I do day-to-day has a memory tied to her. There isn’t really any escaping that.
I am relying heavily on medication to keep me stable, but I am somewhat stable. So, I can’t really complain about that.
I find myself increasingly isolating myself and becoming increasingly introspective. There are countless questions and zero answers. I question whether she meant what she said when she said I was the only person she wanted to be with.
I question whether or not there was someone else the whole time. I question whether or not she really loved me. It felt so real, until it didn’t. I question why there wasn’t a conversation, but instead she was just gone. No explanation, no “I’m sorry, but I don’t think we are compatible anymore”.
I found myself hoping we’d reconnect, and that she really did love me. I found myself facing the reality that she is not coming back, and I will likely never be her partner again. I found myself facing the fact that I am replaceable.
I realized that as long as I hold on to the hope that she will reach out, I won’t ever grow. If I don’t grow, it won’t matter is she does or if she doesn’t, we will end up in the same situation again, a year down the road.
The same is true on her end. If she doesn’t grow, and reaches out, we will yet again, find ourselves here. And neither one of us deserves that. We both deserve to be happy, not constantly running into communication issues, feeling unheard, and unsupported. Disrespecting clear boundaries that we ask of each other.
I don’t really know what the future holds. Then again, none of us really do. I don’t want to let go of all of those memories, because they are meaningful. And she was an amazing partner.
But I also can’t hold on to the past. The longer I do, the more damage I will do to myself. I guess now, I just do things I enjoy and live. And living means what I want it to mean. Nothing big, just working doing things I enjoy, maybe a little City Skylines II, and spending time alone.
I used to be stressed about not having friends or connections, but I am starting to discover that being a socialite extrovert wasn’t really my personality, rather it was a coping mechanism for the trauma I had experienced before this relationship.
I am very much a physical touch kind of person. I love hugs, and forehead kisses. But I have also found that touch isn’t meaningful at all to me unless it is someone, I was emotionally intimate with. It doesn’t feel any different than bumping into a stranger on the subway.
I am also trying to evaluate what drives meaning for me. For as long as I can remember, I wanted a family of my own. That is no longer an option. Nor do I want it to be right now.
So, I looked further back. Before a family, I wanted to be a millionaire, a diplomat, fortune and fame. But in reality, upon reflection, I never wanted any of those things.
When I set those dreams, it was based on the idea that I would go back to my college reunion and flaunt the cars and money and books published, to compensate for all of the potential partners not wanting anything to do with me.
I never wanted those things; I just thought that was what potential partners wanted so I was going to go back and show that “I made it”. Look at me, you didn’t believe in me, but here I am!
What I didn’t realize, that if that reality actually did happen, nobody in that room would really care. Conversation would be quiet talk of how crazy the world has gotten, reminiscing over the quirks of our advisors, and talks of how crazy strict that one math teacher was.
So then again, I am left with what was actually my dream. Before I got the messaging that what I was worth amounted simply to nothing more than my utility, and not my value as a human being.
I simply wanted to help people. Nothing complicated, just if I saw someone hurting, bring a little light into their life. And I think that is the hardest part about all of this, is that she was the first person to love me for me. Not my utility.
But I never took the time to really believe her, that I really was worth more than my paycheck or net worth. I never took the time to look at that person that she saw, and that she fell in love with. Part of that was due to mental health issues, and trauma telling me that whoever that person is isn’t worth loving.
She genuinely thought so, and I think over time, that difference in perspective began to take a toll. I mean how truly difficult is it to love someone who can’t see that they are worth loving? To know every day that they look themselves in the mirror and say “I am not enough”.
And for them to be suspicious of you, because they think you love them for some other reason. Because in their mind, there is not a logical reason to love them for their value alone.
I genuinely have no clue if we will get back together. That’s not for me to say. But what I can say is that if I really want to be loved, I have to be able to love myself. Even if it isn’t anything more than, I think I bring a little bit of light into people’s life every once in a while.
And while it is hard, I don’t need to let go of all of those memories. Because they were a blessing. How do I move forward? I genuinely don’t know. But there was a time that not a single map of the world existed, but someone got out there and charted the waters.
We’ll see where this goes. Hopefully, I will find peace with myself.