I am slowly going insane. Waking up every night, thinking I am going to hear from her but realizing I wasn’t enough to keep her from walking away and still not understanding what happened. How a letter of all things, destroyed two years of fighting to be with each other, fighting for each other.
And how she showed zero emotion. None. Not one tear, not one “I’m sorry”. I will never understand that. How do you walk away from someone you claimed was “the one”, someone you claimed you want to “marry”.
Maybe I wasn’t the right gender to satisfy her. Or maybe she got tired of waiting. Or maybe she, like her family, began to think I was a narcissist. I genuinely am not a narcissist, and I don’t comprehend how the people I loved more than my own family seem to all think that I am.
I keep having dreams of the first day we met, getting to go back, starting over. Every day as I drive home from work, I pass the exit where we were supposed to have our first date, but the restaurant wasn’t open.
Everything here has a memory of her attached, which is quite literally driving me insane, because it feels like everything was a lie. I don’t feel like she meant anything she ever said. I don’t feel like she ever loved me. And I genuinely question if she ever actually wanted a future with me or if that was something I imagined in my head.
Everyone I talk to says the same thing: “She’ll come back, they always do”. But, I think they are wrong. They didn’t see the lack of emotion in her eyes when she said goodbye. They didn’t see her say “I can’t date you because I need to focus on supporting my daughter”, when in reality I was supporting her and her daughter.
I was supporting them emotionally and financially. Being a single mom is hard. I have watched this woman fight battle after battle to give her daughter the life she deserves, and stood beside her as she did. I have sent her north of $18,000 to support her and kiddo.
I sent that money as an investment. Not as a manipulation tactic as her parents will claim if they find out. I was investing in her, in our future. But, again, if you are looking for a narcissist, you will find a narcissist.
And honestly, I struggle not sending her money, because I still want to invest in her future, but I can’t. The issue with all of these people saying she’ll be back is they are forgetting to factor in that this woman can not grow her big girl spine and assert to her parents what she actually wants.
She feels unheard and unvalued, but does nothing to either leave or fix the situation. How do you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped? Does she? Or does she not?
The part I struggle with the most is what kind of control does someone have to have over their daughter to push her to break up with someone she loves, and doesn’t want to break up with?
The amount of manipulation and control required to do that is incomprehensible to me, especially from that family. Which, unfortunately leaves me believing the alternative, she actually **wanted** to walk away. She desired to walk away, and made the decision with full autonomy.
What kind of mental health issues would cause someone to love you and desperately want to see you, and then in the span of 24 hours throw every bit of that away and never look back.
I remember when we first started talking, she kept asking me to be vulnerable with her. I told her that wasn’t something I did because people walked away when I was vulnerable. She swore that she wouldn’t do that.
And she wonders why I didn’t believe her.
How do I make peace with the fact that I will never have closure?
I don’t know the answers to any of these questions, but I just needed to scream into the void to ease my mind.