Introduction

I have written several posts recently about mental health struggles that I had gone through. It was a sort of cathartic release. However, as I begin exiting the grieving process, I am beginning to appreciate the power of silence.

To an extent, it was pretty obvious that I was documenting my mental health journey in an effort to open the door if she wanted to come back. However, I slowly began to realize that I am not sure if I wanted that.

Incompatibility Stings, but Ignorance Is Not Bliss

We are in very different phases of life. She’s 23, still in undergrad, lives with her parents, has no income, very few marketable skills, has no transportation, no ability to further her life at this point at least, and most importantly, no freedom.

I am 24, have two master’s degrees, have a stable income, two cars, a residence of my own, my bills are paid by me, and me alone. The debt from the decision to move 250 miles for reasons that in retrospect were very dumb and were founded more on hope that a failing relationship was going to be successful if I did so, is still a struggle. But I am very quickly establishing a series of ways to manage that, and make sure in any urgent situation I can pivot and still be able to pay my bills.

She has no freedom. Her life is consistently driven by the needs of others, not her own desires. She has dreams, big dreams, beautiful dreams, that she in every right deserves to have. She is fighting to cope with that. That her attempts to achieve independence and freedom were sacrificed in fire by decisions of people other than her, and that her best interest was the last thing on their mind.

I wanted to help her so bad. I wanted to give her the freedom and independence she so desperately wanted. The ability to make decisions SHE wanted. Not to be told what her decisions should be by everyone other than herself. But I made the same mistake as everyone else. I didn’t listen to HER. She wanted all the same things that I just mentioned, but she needed to do it in a way that was comfortable to her. Not in the way I kept trying to convince her to do.

Hard Lessons Break You, But You Come Back Stronger If You Learn from It

One of the things that are clear in retrospect is that I can provide whatever safety net I want for someone I care about. It can be the most precision engineered highly rated safety net in the world. But you can’t take the first step for them. And you for sure as hell shouldn’t be the one trying to shove them off of the edge (**glares at sulking inner self**).

So, like I said, I cannot say for certain that I ever want to invite her back into my life. She can’t advocate for herself. She can’t ask for what she wants. I can’t blame her for that because even when she asked me, I didn’t listen. No one actually listens to her. People will show up, promise the world, and then it becomes evident again and again that no one actually cares about what she wants, just forcing their own agenda.

The difference is, I don’t think anyone else cared about her enough to let the pain teach them what they did wrong. Or at the very least, grant them the perspective that I should have had earlier. While I want what is best for her, and always will, I can’t wait around for her to figure out how to equip with her big girl spine and advocate for what she wants. She did it with me. She left without a word.

But her family dictates everything about her life. Simply because she relies on them for everything. If she never realizes that if she keeps enabling that behavior (which I don’t think is malicious at all, just an unfortunate part of the situation) she will never be able to do what she wants. She will always be yoked to the desires of others, not herself.

She is going for her master’s degree. She won’t have a job that will allow her to provide for her and her child, while maintaining a household, rent, transportation costs, and unforeseen emergencies, until she graduates college. That will be 6 or 7 years from now at the rate she is going. Her daughter will be 10, she will be almost 30, and will still live on the back-porch-bedroom in her parents’ house.

Fear Cripples Even Saints, Especially If There Is No Clear Solution

I can’t be the one to make that decision for her. She has to take that first step. And she isn’t willing to. She is driven entirely by fear, trusts no one fully so she really only tells half-truths to keep everyone happy while pretending she doesn’t. Hides her feelings because she’s learned that if she asks for what she wants pain (physical or emotional) will follow. She has learned that what she wants will never really matter to anyone else (it actually does matter, and it should to those who care about her).

So, in my mind, it is more than reasonable that she is terrified of taking that first step. Especially since she has a daughter she has to think about now. But I can’t take it for her. No one can but her. And until she can, I can’t help her. And I’m not going to wait for her. I’m not going to try and get her back. Publicize my progress, etc., etc. If she can’t make that first step, we will never be able to have a relationship that works. It will only be increasingly detrimental to both of us, and to her daughter. And I have a righteous anger to those who hurt children, so I for damn sure am not going to be one of them.

The Subtle Truth To “If They Wanted to They Would”

I’ve realized this, and even though she is blocked on every way to contact me known to man, if she wanted to find a way, she would. Which is exactly why she is going to stay blocked permanently. If she desires to take that first step so badly that she finds a way around that, then I’ll know she is ready and genuinely wants to be independent. And I’ve learned that that process will look different for her than it did me. She can’t take the same risks I did. She has more to lose than I did.

I have learned, through my failed relationship with her and through the mentorship I do with other young professionals, that everyone goes through this process differently. It looks different for everyone. My only job is to provide the tools and resources to build that safety net. I can only support her in finding the how. I will make sure she will be equipped with the tools, but only she can draw the blueprints.

If she ever gets to the point where she wants that, she is a smart woman, she can figure out how to contact me one way or the other. But I can’t take that step for her. So, this will be the last post on this blog that talks about my personal life. I’m not going to log how successful I am or am not for her or anyone else. There is peace in the silence. A peace that I have looked for for a very long time.

There Is Peace in Silence, And Contentment in Consistent Growth

No one needs to know where I am at in life but me. If I am doing something with the thought of “How will people think of me when I achieve this goal?” I am doing it for the wrong reasons. I’m pursuing peace and contentment. If people want to be along for that ride, then they will find a way. Outside of that, it is no longer my monkeys nor my circus.